"Multi-Phasic"

She had an active warrant for a bad check or something. I hooked her up and was bringing her in but that isn't why she had such an odd expression on her face in my rear view mirror. It was me, I was making her nervous. Apparently this gal was not used to being chauffeured by a guy that has his right foot on the accelerator, left knee steering, left hand holding the hand mic, and right hand scribbling notes for the next call. Then, on top of all this, looks up to the rear view mirror to check on his prisoner. My old FTO called it being "mulit-phasic". He was a Marine, God help me, but often spoke of the need for a law dog to do multiple things at the same time. So, no shit there I was; pulling away from a Holiday gas station, clipping my seat belt, holding a cup of coffee between my legs, and talking on the radio when I spill. Turning to check over my shoulder the lid pops off of my straight black Holiday brew. The molten liquid runs down the inside of both thighs and makes a B-Line for my A-Hole. Holly shit this is Hot! I do some hip thrusts and manage not to cause an accident. Lucky for me home was only 4 blocks away. I make it there without sitting back down.

Moral of the story: use the cup holder.

The Chase

Routine patrol on a comfortable summer evening. I see a pickup parked on the road up ahead. Then the backup lights come on. This dope backs, swerves, and backs again stopping across the center line. Must be drunk. Better light him up and have a chat. Hit the cherries and give the siren a squawk. Pickup hesitates and then hangs a hard right down a dirt road. The chase is on. Lights are flashing siren is wailing and the adrenaline kicks in. Then a problem becomes apparent; this guy can hardly keep the truck from going off the road at a mear 35mph. The rig swerves wildly from side to side narrowly missing trees. This continues for about a mile before the dope pulls into a drive way and stops. I cut the siren and step out to do a felony take down. Besides the dope driving there are 2 passengers. Driver comes our first. The dope looks like a blueberry. Full Canadian tuxedo and he is round, has to be over 4 bills. Calling the fat man back I get him in position for the cuffs. First problem arises, can't get his fat arms together behind him. So I cuff in front, don't have a choice but always hate doing it. Now second problem, this fat dope will never fit in my Crown Vic. So I get a little momentum and stuff him in. The fit is so tight I am afraid that I will never get him out. He tests over .20 BAC, a gross misdemeanor, tack on the fleeing and fat dope is looking at some jail time. However, he gets a plea bargain misdemeanor DWI charge and nothing else. You have to love small town justice.