Shiny Side Down

It was actually a piece of shit, but my 1995 Chevrolet Caprice squad car could corner better than any Crown Vic. Nothing is happening one night so...Time to warm the tires up. Find a stretch of new pavement with a few curves and let her buck. Get a few miles done and the radio crackles to life: girl is gone and mom is afraid that she might be in a bad situation. I swing into the yard and hide my chariot, wait to see if girl comes home. I no sooner park when car pulls in, girl is in the passenger seat, some scroat is driving. Scroat sees me and takes off. I need a second to get the old Chevy pointed in the right direction and then I drop the hammer. Gravel road, get some speed going, little hill, T-intersection. Oops. Going too fast, can't stop in time, this is going to suck. The old anti-locks don't even slow me down. Try to make the corner. I get the car side ways and then I roll over. A huge post stops me from going all the way over and then it is quiet. I am shiny side down. Suspended from my seat belt blood fills my head. Seat belt won't release. Shit, I am stuck. Do a quick head to toe; no breaks, no missing pieces. The radio is dead, no cell phone coverage and I forgot my pocket knife that would have cut me free. Wedging my arm under the seat I manage to hold enough weight off the latch to finally get free. Crawl out of the side window that is now in a million sharp little pieces. Cut hand on glass, hike up to a farm house to use their phone. Think I freaked them out a bit as I bleed in their kitchen. This sucks, now I have to drive a Crown Vic.

The Second Time I Killed a Man

I get called to respond to a personal injury accident. Some geezer decided to just go ahead and make his left turn regardless of on coming traffic. The geezer was most likely traveling at the break-neck speed of 8 when his failing eyes and diminished reflexes failed him. Luckily the other guy only had a bump or two. I clear the road, call the wrecker, get the needed info and then it is back to my favorite thing: Crushing Crime. The geezer is 100% at fault so I mail him a citation for inattentive driving. The ticket is bull shit but it will help the other guy get paid. Apparently when geezer opens the letter he is so blown away by the ticket he goes and has a heart attack and dies right there. No shit.

The First Time I Gave a DUI/Killed a Man

I was a shiny new Deputy with the new Deputy smell and a .45. Get called to a single vehicle accident. Arrive to find that some meat puppet had driven off the roadway and perfectly severed a utility pole. My cherry ass almost walked into the wires that were draped over the road at chest level. Vehicle is empty and then I see him. Dip-shit ran out of the woods and is now crossing a field. Great tactical mind at work here. The Dip-shit is woefully out of shape and moving like you would expect an out of shape fat ass would move. I summon the power of 'Command Voice' and bellow at Dip-shit. He stops, his shoulders sag, then turns and shuffles his fat ass back to me. I hook him up and do the paperwork for his 4th DUI. Long story short; Dip-shit blames the cops (me) for his now ruined finances and he hangs himself. This would be the first time that I killed a man. Kind of.